Chasing Windmills

To play or not to play that is the question

I have always viewed myself as a one woman man. Of course, this has never been tested.
I have always wanted to be swept off my feet. Fall head over heels in love with Cinderella and live happily ever after never looking back never having a moment's regret.
I remember when the first time this phenomena occured. I was six years old. We were kindergarten classmates. I told V. I thought she was pretty. I stood before her waiting for the expected, "thank you. I think you're cute." I saw the moment play out in my head. I could see the future with us hand-in-hand. Well, ...what actually happened was like the scene in Final Destination when Terry steps off the curb and ...BAM gets hit by a bus.
Her reply was not "thank you" or "you're cute" but rather "I think you're ugly." Rocky doesn't hit that hard. Physical pain is easy to recover from. A few stitches or weeks in a cast then you are back in action. But words linger. They become part of your soul. They become an indelible mark on who you are and who you will become.
Then came first grade. I had a crush on J. It only lasted a year and nothing came of it. Second grade was T. That crush would last until the 4th grade without me noticing another girl. But nothing ever came of it. T. was a major crush in my life and those feeling would resurface through the years. Several temporary crushes came and went through that fourth grade year, but none of any significance. The same can be said for fifth and sixth grade with no one having the impact of T.
Seventh grade and I move to junior high and developed a crush on C. At that age, a transformation occured. I realized the importance of words and to show interests in other peoples interest. So, I would try to talk to C. about her interests etc. The one lasting memory I have of her is from English class. We had to give demonstartions/speeches and her's was dancing. She danced to "I've Had the Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing...and I had to pick myself up off the floor. Of course, those words from V. echoed in my mind and I could never bring myself to face the firing squad again. For there is no discretion in jr. high and the whole school would know of my crash and burn by lunch.
Eight grade is probably the epitome of puberty. I believe, at least for my generation, that is when we really begin to want more than just hold hands and be able to call someone our "girlfriend". That year K. came into my world and brought an intensity I had not known before. But K. was one of the cool kids and I didn't have a prayer. K would become the first girl to whom I ever sent flowers. But I caved into the school caste system and maintained my station.
Next would come that "place". The Mecca for some and the Molokai for others and I was to become Father Damian. I am referring of course to high school. While I noticed a tremendous amount of beautiful women there, there were really only two who would cause me sleepless nights. A. was a secondary crush. She was attractive, yet the allure was that she was the girl that would sit next to me in class and talk to me and treat me like an equal. (Don't we all love that girl). But A was from the other side of the tracks which is not bad in and of itself but she ran with that crowd. The type that would be considered red-neck, rough, and sometimes racist. I as an intellectual did not fit into that world. But I always cared for her and had to watch her heart get broken on more than one occasion. She had her flaws (like we all do) but it was a joy having her in my life.
The other and probably one of the if not major crushes of my life was M. She was the bomb. She was gorgeous. She was without a doubt one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen in my life. She had this smile...the only way I can describe it is to say that if she was on the Titanic it would not have sunk because she would have melted that iceberg. She was the kind of girl who won the high school beauty pagent as a freshman. I din't get to see it because I was still in jr. high at the time. She was a year ahead of me. She was a cheerleader, senior class president, and member of the honor society. I would have literally sold my soul just to have her say two words to me. She was so far out of my league it would have been like the Bad News Bears playing the Yankees. I totally lacked the graces and charisma of Lloyd Dobler and to succeed as he did. I still keep a picture of her even though I have never spoken to her. I hadn't thought about her in a while, but a recent event has brought back her memory and making me wonder what she is doing now. If I had known then what I know now, I would have risked it. It would have been the biggest disaster since Waterloo, but it would have occured and provided closure. The worst feeling, emotion or whatever you want to call it is to wonder what might have been.
I am not going to go into the college years. When I started writing this the intent was to tie the past of wanting to be committed to one person to my present state of mind. Presently, I find myself wanting to be a player. This is something I have never felt before. I believe it has to do with my current living situation and the fact that there is absolutely no one to date and I am afraid I will say "I do" to the first person that comes along. My worst fear in this world is a double edged sword. On the one-side I fear winding up alone on the other side I fear marrying someone I don't truly love and then after making that commitment finding my soulmate, but not able to be with her.
Because I have never had a girlfriend or even been on a second date with the same girl (which is because during the course of the first date something Always---and I do mean always---comes to light that tells me there is no future with this girl so why pursue it) I wonder what I am missing out on. Right now, I am averaging about 1 date a year while being bombarded by shows where other 30-somethings are going out with different girls every night. So the irony is while other guys my age have been "playing" and are now ready to settle down I am ready to play the field. I used to want to find Cinderella, now I am not so sure if i really want to marry the first girl I ever kiss.

posted by Michael @ 12:04 PM