Chasing Windmills

I Don't Understand the Game

So, this is my first entry. It is really a response to a friend's blog wherein I ran out of space. The gist is this, women complain that there are no nice guys. I beg to differ. I can attest that there is a plethera of nice guys out there, because as birds of a feather we flock together...well not so much anymore because they are now married.
The key to finding the nice guy is to open your eyes. He is right there in front of you, or behind you in line at Starbuck's. He is the polite unassuming guy that holds the door open or gives you a shy smile. He is not going to approach you at bar with,"hey baby what's you sign" or anyone of the other million cheesy pick up lines. Rather, he will smile order his drink and assume that since you are so beautiful, you are obviously with someone. This is usually the aforemention Mr. Cool. Or the nice guys sees the ring on your finger you wear when you don't want to be bothered, and he actually abides by your wishes. Personally, I don't expect to find what I am looking for in a bar. Nice guys usually get dissed or dump on (much like the women who complain) and therefore they quit trying. They smile or hold the door open, then later that day they are thinking about the hot girl they saw at Starbuck's and wonder when they will find someone like that.
It is a strange time for men. We are conditioned to be aggressors, however with the women's movement, women are allowed to be more aggressive and to desire and pursue pleasure. Yet in my thirty years, I have never seen a woman hit on any of my friends or hit on me. However, I always seem to run into guys who have this happen all the time, or some story ripped from Penthouse. I feel like Cliff Clavin living vicariously through Sam "May Day" Malone.
Everyone says it is no big deal to approach someone, but actually it is. For the nice guy, just approaching you is a sgn that he is interested in getting to know you. When you dismiss him on sight without taking 5 minutes to talk to him to find out about him, it is your loss. Yes, chemistry is a factor, I know that. And we are all superficial to a degree. But we must all learn that the perfect person does not exist. We have to compromise. OK, so he does not have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a Tom Cruise smile, but he will actually listen to what you have to say. He will stop by the store and pick you up feminine hygiene products. He will send you flowers because its Tuesday. You have the heart, the mind, the soul, and the body...3 out of 4 ain't bad.
Now, maybe some one can explained to me the game and the logic behind playing hard to get. A guy shows interest and you show disinterest, so he will come back and "prove" he is worthy. The bad boy sees a challenge and does what it takes to get in your pants. It is a conquest, for he is beating your inhibitions or whatever you want to call it. He's making you submit to him. The nice guy doesn't want you to submit, but wants to become part of something greater than himself. It is a partnership not a heirarchy. And in legal terms when you have a partnership or agreement, there is a "meeting of the minds". Viewing it as a contract, the nice guy sees that there is no room to negotiate because the woman won't participate in discussions, and any more time is just wasted effort best spent elsewhere.
Case in point, about a month ago. I sent some flowers to a young lady, let's call her M. I had a crush on her in law school. A little about M, she was smart (made better grades than me) beautiful ( looks like an news anchor woman) and worked for a prestigious firm). We had previously worked in the same town. But she was dating someone and I was focused on someone who is no longer available. I had not seen M in about a year due to the fact that I took a job in the Mississippi delta 2 hours away from M. I had been thinking of M (and had a little more self-esteem due to the new job) and decided to send her flowers. I sent them anonymously. Since, we hadn't seen and spoke to each other in over a year I didn't want her to think I was a psycho. M called the florist wanting to know who sent them. Of course, they couldn't divulge my identity without a release, which I wouldn't give. After wrestling with the decision, I wrote her a note telling her of my crush and signed it and even addressed it (hoping for a response since she loved the flowers and wanted to know who sent them). Over a month has passed and no response. Not a thank you, not a drop dead before I get a restraining order ...nothing. I'd rather be cussed out than to be ignored. So, what is a nice guy to think ? Spend more money (which isn't an issue) and bare my soul for further rejection ? Is it too much to ask for a response ? As much as I would have liked to hear, "thank you. they were beautiful. maybe some time when your in town we can have lunch", I would have settled fot "thank you but I am seeing someone or am not in that place right now". It is because of this nice guys quit trying, and are thought to be non-existent.

posted by Michael @ 8:01 AM